I have been extremely avoidant lately. And I really try not to be that way, but that’s just how it’s been. I often just go nonverbal and that’s no fun for anyone. From canceling plans to straight up forgetting them, it’s been so rough.
One negative thing can drag me down for the whole evening. And it’s hard to tell people it’s not personal, it’s not about them. It’s me! I don’t hate anyone or hold animosity. But I have to cater my online browsing so I don’t have those negative thoughts worming around in my head.
On a positive note, I do love sharing. Sharing art and stories I find with those I know will enjoy it. I shared a fanart in a group chat and someone in there loved the style and is going to commission the artist. I feel so warm and happy that sharing lead to something like that.
But sometimes I can’t help but get sad that no one gets as hype about things I make. Lately pick at a document and write maybe 200 words at best, scribble a little then stare at the ceiling until bed. I don’t write or draw to please others, and I do feel great sharing other people’s work and lifting them up. I am glad I can at least do that even if people aren’t all that interested in my own works.
Work, by the way, is also draining me. I am paid min wage and do so much. I try so hard. I really do. I just feel very hopeless and if I some surround myself with positivity I’m going to fall deeper into this pit of sadness. I’ve been job searching, another endless pit.
I got my meds upped. I hope things get better. I want to be better.